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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I am not young enough to know everything.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
When I die I\'m going to leave my body to science fiction.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I\'ll waste no time reading it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI?!
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
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Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, \'cause if they couldn\'t, they\'d have to wake up to the fact that life\'s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can\'t seem to keep up is they\'re a bunch of misfits and losers.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
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A man\'s only as old as the woman he feels.
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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called \'Ego\'.
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
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I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
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Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called \'Ego\'.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That\'s where we come in; we\'re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
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C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It\'s not a truck. It\'s a series of tubes!
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
A man\'s only as old as the woman he feels.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you\'re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I\'ll never know.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
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We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That\'s where we come in; we\'re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Don\'t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
It\'s strange, isn\'t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go \'aaaaagghhhh\' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If it wasn\'t for muscle spasms, I wouldn\'t get any exercise at all.
You got to be careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, because you might not get there.
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I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
I\'ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn\'t it.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
I\'m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Everybody\'s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there\'s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
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Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The difference between \'involvement\' and \'commitment\' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was \'involved\' - the pig was \'committed\'.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
If you think it\'s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
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